


You Hurt Each Other

by TheCinematicRevealThatBatmanIsDead



Series: Will You Be Alright, Love? [3]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Bittersweet, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6096325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCinematicRevealThatBatmanIsDead/pseuds/TheCinematicRevealThatBatmanIsDead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“People are going to start coming back soon.”<br/>I don’t know how she knows this, but I nod and wait for her to continue as I stir the instant noodles over the camping stove we found in Misato’s closet.<br/>“When that happens...I think the right thing to do is go our separate ways.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Hurt Each Other

In the distance, Lilith stares lovingly into the apartment with pristine, lifeless eyes. Her skin has begun to tear away from her face in small flecks. Soon she will begin to rot.

Asuka lies sleeping on the other side of the room. Her eyes are open, our gazes are locked. Her expression is completely neutral. The Wall of Jericho has been rebuilt. I’m almost grateful. I’m too exhausted to understand.

* * *

 

“People are going to start coming back soon.”

I don’t know how she knows this, but I nod and wait for her to continue as I stir the instant noodles over the camping stove we found in Misato’s closet.

“When that happens...I think the right thing to do is go our separate ways.”

I should feel my throat clogging up, my breath hitching, my heart stopping, _anything_ to indicate that I’m shocked. But I don’t. Because I’m not. All I see is Asuka, shoving me to the kitchen floor as scalding coffee seeps into my shirt. I see myself, cold and unresponsive, curled up on a catwalk, hearing the Second Child’s screams of agony and rage and doing nothing. I see her holding my nose as she kisses me, because she needs this kiss, any kiss, more than she needs me to breathe. I see myself shaking her unconscious form, begging her to help me, demanding that she help me. I see my hands wrapped around her throat, and I see everything I've taken from her. I see a kiss (almost), the pride she took in being the best pilot, her self-worth, a stolen orgasm and finally her AT field, her form, the thing she and everyone else cared about so much, and I watch as I turn it into LCL. I take it from her and grind it into nothing. And when I wake up, when I try to kill her so I can be sure I’m real, she caresses my face. She tells me I’m not a monster. She dances with me. Why?

“Probably for the best,” I say.

 _Don’t leave me! Don’t abandon me! Please don’t kill me!_

I look at the ceiling.

“Will you be alright, love?” I hear.

“What?”

Asuka looks up from her udon. “I didn’t say anything.”

I nod slowly, and smile in spite of myself when she mutters “idiot” under her breath.

“Asuka.”

“Yeah?”

“You didn’t have to help me.”

She sighs. “I don’t regret it, if that’s what you’re getting at. And neither should you.”

“I don’t. I’m grateful, I just...I don’t understand why.”

“Shinji, before you can do that, there’s a lot I need to make sure you _do_ understand.” She put her chopsticks down and shifted in her seat. “You need to understand that we hurt each other. You need to understand that I don’t forgive you yet, and probably never will. You need to understand that I do not, nor have I ever, nor _will_ I ever, be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you.”

“All you had to do was tell me.”

“No, Shinji. All you had to do was ask."

Our voices have hardly risen above a murmur. I pass her a can of fruit juice. She nods her thanks, and sets it aside.

“Y’know,” she says, “you were the last person I expected to come back. That stuck with me. Made me wonder if I had missed something.” She laughs gently. “I still don't understand you, I guess.”

“So...why did you help me?”

She looks off toward the setting sun.

“I knew it was the right thing to do. Shinji, I don’t love you. You hurt me. I hurt you. But you’re my friend.”

A scream echoed in the distance. A voice we recognized.

* * *

The two children sat down next to Misato, and watched the waves rolling onto the sand. Night had fallen, and they could see the Milky Way spilling out across the sky. Lilith's corpse lay half-submerged in LCL, her snow-white skin reflecting the brilliant orange of the sea. And on the horizon, though none of them saw, the young woman the humans had named Rei watched the three.

Beneath her, the ocean began to churn and bubble. The waves grew restless, turned dark red and began crashing against the body of Lilith. Rei heard voices, recognized faces. The smallest hint of a smile began to tug at her lips.

* * *

 

It was a new moon the night I let him go. The others were all asleep. Our footsteps were drowned out by the hum of the generators. An unholy stench emanated from Lilith's corpse, her features hollow and dry.

“Shinji.”

“Yes, Asuka?”

“Be safe. Don’t come back.”

He nods, turns to walk away, then hitches like he’s forgotten something.

“Asuka?”

I haven’t moved.

“What is it?”

He smiles at me. “For what it’s worth...thank you.”

My expression softens.

“I haven’t done anything, Shinji. This is all you.”

He smiles like he doesn’t believe me, but appreciates the thought. He reaches into his back pocket and tosses something to me. I scramble to catch it. It’s made of cold black plastic, solidly built, and rectangular. I turn it over. I squint until I can make out the letters SDAT.

When I look up, Shinji is gone.

* * *

 

Three years later, Misato finds the SDAT player on the shore. She doesn’t tell me she’s found it, but I hear her playing Toki Ni Kawa wo Koete in her room sometimes. Hikari asks me to dance to it one night. I don’t dance, I tell her. She laughs, and says we’ll wait for a faster song.  We sleep together later that night, and I do not feel like a grave robber.


End file.
